Cry Until Your Tears Run Dry
by SaoirseParisa
Summary: After the events leading to Dezel's death, Sorey is left questioning whether he is truly worthy of being a Shepherd that people can rely on for salvation. SorMik Week, Day 4: Pendrago (Loss/Protection). Sequel to Ray of Sunshine.


This wasn't what Sorey wanted.

Nothing like this should have happened. Rose nearly died. They faced off against Lunarre, who once again escaped their grasp. This strange new seraph, Symmone, nearly got them all killed with her illusions. Worst of all...Dezel actually died, and Sorey couldn't save him at all. One of his companions, killed. Dead. Gone. Never coming back. Sorey was the Shepherd. His job was to save people, not let them be killed, even if Dezel did want this. He did everything he could, and it still wasn't enough. How? How was this even possible? Sorey knew he couldn't save everyone. He couldn't deny that even the Shepherd couldn't save every single person on this planet. Not even the Shepherd was all powerful. Still, everyone was counting on him. Dezel would have lived had he done something different. Anything but what actually happened.

But Dezel was gone, and Sorey felt as though everything was way out of alignment.

Sleep evaded him at every turn. He did naught but toss and turn in his bed at the inn. They were still in Pendrago, but planned to return to their journey later on. Some rest was needed after that horrible battle. But rest was the last thing Sorey was getting at the moment. His eyes were closed, but sleep refused to take hold of him. His pillow wasn't at the right temperature. It wasn't nice and cool. Only irritatingly warm and itchy. His blankets felt more like they were suffocating him and every other part of his body. Nothing was comfortable. His skin itched. His heart thundered, and it felt like a grotesque, monster hellion was eating him alive and refusing to die. No sleeping position he found was good enough. Every part of his body felt battered and tight, and it refused to relax.

In the realm of dreams, Sorey was surrounded by darkness. Deep, endless, cruel, suffocating darkness. Not the beautiful, soft, majestic darkness like the midnight sky full of twinkling stars, crowned by the moon. Sorey found himself in an empty abyss, the only person in existence.

"Where am I?" Sorey asked himself. "Mikleo? Lailah? Rose?" He called for his companions, each name louder than the last. Nobody answered.

The darkness swallowed the echoes his voice created.

"...Is anyone there?" Sorey whimpered, his normally cheery green eyes producing tears. "Anyone? Answer me!"

Suddenly, an image of a person appeared. A short, old man with long, grey hair wearing a purple and white robe, eyes permanently closed. Immediately, Sorey lit up, recognizing the old man right away.

"Gramps!" Sorey sprinted toward the man, his heart thundering. "Boy, am I happy to see you! There's so much I want to...tell you…" The closer he got, the more he slowed down until the boy came to a complete stop. His beloved guardian wore a strange, uncharacteristically stern expression on his face. His closed eyes were angry, his mouth turned into a frown. The old man gazed at Sorey with...scorn. Sorey froze, the cold gaze sending a shiver down his spine.

"Gramps?"

Sorey was in no way prepared for what his beloved grandfather was going to say.

"...I'm terribly disappointed in you, Sorey."

"What?" This couldn't be happening. "Gramps? What's wrong? I-"

"You aren't worthy of being the Shepherd. One of your companions died because of your inaction," Gramps hissed the words out like they were poison. Each word cut through Sorey's heart deeper than the last. "I never should have taken you in."

"...Huh?" Sorey gaped. This couldn't be his beloved Gramps! Gramps would never say those things about him. Joining him were Sorey's companions. Mikleo, Lailah, Edna, Alisha, and Rose.

"Everyone!" This time, the tears flowed. But they wouldn't be tears of joy. Like Gramps, everyone was staring at him with the same scornful expression. Sorey found himself completely confused. Just what was going on? Nothing made any sense at all.

"You've made things worse for not just Ladylake, but all of Glenwood!" Alisha shouted. The normally sweet, friendly, caring Alisha was glaring at him, shouting at him angrily. "How could you let this happen?!" This wasn't Alisha. This wasn't his friend. Sorey took two steps back, his eyes shrinking.

"Alisha...I...I didn't-"

"I really thought you were different," Lailah, the wise, motherly fire seraph who gave him his powers, looked down at her red heels with melancholy. Unlike the others, she didn't look angry. She didn't meet her Shepherd's gaze. Her voice was small, solemn, and sorrowful. "But it seems I was wrong to trust you with the Shepherd's burden."

"No!" Unable to listen anymore, Sorey found himself shouting, even though he didn't intend to. "That's not true! You can trust me! Really, you can!" The tears gushed right out, cascading down his cheeks in great numbers. His voice was rising, bordering on hysterical pleading.

"Then why did you let Dezel die?!" Rose, the red haired, energetic assassin, barked. Her bright blue eyes were gleaming with rage. "He's gone and it's all your fault!"

Edna, the girl with the umbrella, turned around, her back facing Sorey's direction. "I never should have put my trust in you. You deceived me. You said you'd find a way to save my brother, but you can't even save one of your own seraphim," Her voice was full of venom, with no trace of her normally playful sarcasm. "Stupid human."

In desperation, Sorey turned to the water seraph, the one who traveled alongside him all this time. "Mikleo! Say something! Please!"

Sorey was going to regret asking him to do that. Instead of meeting his gaze, Mikleo turned around, just like Edna did. But Sorey could see his expression. It was one full of abject misery and quiet rage. "You never should have become the Shepherd. This all wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you."

Even as their silhouettes disappeared, Sorey couldn't get their cruel words out of his mind. They continued to echo, repeating in his head over and over. Nothing could make them stop. He froze, unable to speak, unable to move, completely shocked by everyone outright turning their back on him. Why? Why were they saying all these things? And they all just left! Gone, just like that! Sorey fell to his knees, making no effort to wipe away the tears cascading down his face.

"This can't be happening…" Sorey's voice trembled. It didn't sound as though it belonged to him. It sounded so wretched, pathetic, and pitiful. Nothing like the cheerful, breathy voice he always used. "Everyone...why are you saying all of this? Do you...really…?"

Before he could continue, someone else appeared. A tall man wearing dark clothes, with pale green hair covering his face reaching down to his chin. Resting on his head was a black top hat. Sorey looked up, recognizing him right away.

"Dezel!" He sprung to his feet, racing toward the wind seraph. "Dezel!" But the more he sprinted, Dezel seemed to float further and further away. "Please, let me help you! Let me-"

Baring his teeth, Dezel gave him a scornful glare before hissing, "Save your hero complex, you arrogant dumbass. You're the one who let me die. You have no right to decide who lives and who dies. I'm dead because of you!"

Sorey slipped on nothing, but he tripped and fell right on his face. Dezel's silhouette completely dissipated into thin air. He didn't fall on anything but the dark abyss, in some kind of weird space full of absolutely nothing. But it didn't mean there wasn't any pain. Sorey's chest heaved, exacerbating the already searing pain made by everyone's cruel proclamations. Sorey normally never let things like this bother him. The Shepherd wasn't going to be liked by everyone, he figured. It wasn't the first time he was subjected to people's scorn. But it was different when it came from his friends.

His friends…

"Why…?" Sorey sobbed piteously, unable to control himself. No, he didn't want to control himself. Nothing could be worse than being tossed aside by his friends. But the guilt of not being able to save those he loved hurt worse. Guilt from failure. The agony of loss. "Is this...what being the Shepherd only amounts to?"

Out of nowhere, something grabbed his ankle. With a sharp intake of breath, Sorey looked down. A strange swirl of darkness coiled around his leg. A huge wave of it suddenly appeared, and the darkness began to swallow his other leg. The air around him turned thick and oppressive in an instant, at one point rendering him unable to breathe.

"The malevolence!" Sorey yelped, standing right up. But his legs wouldn't move. Soon, the malevolence swallowed his legs whole. His waist, then his stomach.

"No!" Sorey pulled and pulled. His body wouldn't come out. The malevolence swallowed his torso. "No! No! NO! Someone! Someone help!" All that responded to his desperate screams were faint echoes. The malevolence finally reached his neck. Sorey held a hand out for someone, anyone to pull him out.

No one did.

His screams continued, but the darkness swallowed him whole.

Then a voice echoed. It wasn't his own.

"Sorey?"

"Sorey, wake up!"

"Sorey, get a hold of yourself!"

"Sorey!"

* * *

Tear-filled green eyes slammed open with a start. The first thing Sorey saw was Mikleo. Aquamarine hair, soft, worried violet eyes, a concerned expression on his face. The boys faced each other, and they were so close, their noses almost touched, though were a few inches apart. Sensations wracked his body. Mikleo's hands gripping his shoulder tightly. A soft comforter tangled around his legs. Warm tears completely drowning his cheeks. Flickering candlelight illuminating the room.

Sorey couldn't form words. His vocal chords were paralyzed. But every single part of his face was etched with abject fear, like he was close to death. Gradually, the realization dawned on him. It was only a dream. Just a dream. He was at the Gilione Inn at Pendrago. But his whole body was shuddering, trembling like it was being hit with an earthquake. Mikleo's worry didn't dissipate, even after Sorey woke up.

"Goodness. Are you okay?" Mikleo asked, his soft voice touched with worry. A small hand caressed Sorey's cheeks, dampened by the tears. "We could all hear you screaming like all hell broke loose."

Screaming? Sorey was screaming? Out loud? Again, he was further stripped of any attempt at coherent communication. No words came out. But he could tell Mikleo didn't mind one bit. The water seraph loosened his grip on Sorey's shoulders before taking his hands off and sitting down next to him.

"You had a nightmare," Mikleo intoned, leaving no room for argument. "It must have been pretty bad if you were screaming in your sleep like that."

Pretty bad? Understatement of the millennium. Sorey finally managed to choke something out, but it came out as a piteous "Uh!" Eventually, he did push out a more coherent response. "...It was...horrible…"

"It was about Dezel, wasn't it?"

The Shepherd nodded. "You and everyone else...in my dream, you all were angry at me. You all blamed me for his death, and said I wasn't fit to be a bad Shepherd...that I was a bad person. Even Gramps said that he never should have adopted me…" Even awake, his voice spoke of heartbreaking despair.

Mikleo's eyebrows furrowed. Break his heart, it did. Just talking about the dream brought indescribable pain to Sorey's soul. All Mikleo did was listen and wrap his small hand around Sorey's bigger one. Not much in the way of reassurance, as it wouldn't bring Dezel back, but Mikleo hoped it would help nonetheless. The tears continued to flow. Eventually, Sorey buried his face into Mikleo's chest, bawling, seeking the seraph's warmth and comfort. Without hesitation, Mikleo wrapped his arms around the crying Shepherd, protecting him from the waking world around him.

"I failed him! I completely failed him and Rose, too!" Sorey cried. This time, he wasn't going to hold back anymore. "I should have been able to save Rose and make sure Dezel didn't die! But I couldn't do anything for them! What kind of Shepherd am I if I can't even save the people I love?!"

"There was nothing else you could have done," Mikleo reassured, stroking his friend's back with his fingers. "None of us had any other choice. But you know that Dezel trusted you to the very end. He was determined to save Rose, even if it meant he lost his own life. You understood him. You granted his wish. You let him save Rose by firing Siegfried. If you hadn't, I'm sure both Rose and Dezel would have died."

Even though Mikleo explained everything, he still allowed Sorey to cry and let everything go. Release everything he had bottled inside him for so long. Mikleo hated it when Sorey did that. He always thought about others, but wound up hurting himself in doing so. He was sure the Shepherd needed to take time to be human, grieve, mourn, and be sad, too. No way was he going to bereave Sorey of the chance to do that.

"But...isn't it my job to help people and purify the malevolence?" Sorey whimpered.

"You know as well as I do that Dezel had problems that not even he himself could properly deal with. No power on Glenwood could have healed him, not even the Shepherd. You're not responsible for the mistakes or decisions he made."

It didn't help much. Sorey still felt like he was responsible for not helping Dezel in another way. The Shepherd continued to cry. "I can't do it anymore! I don't want to be the Shepherd anymore! I wanna go back to Elysia! I don't care about any of this! About Glenwood, the Lord of Calamity, the freaking malevolence...I'm a terrible Shepherd! I can't do anything right! I'm sick of not being able to help people when they need me!"

The lid had been ripped right open. Sorey couldn't bear to stop. Mikleo didn't make him stop, either. He continued hugging him tight, stroking his back, silently listening. Still, hearing all of this made his heart ache. Seeing Sorey like this wounded him on the inside. Tears and sorrow didn't suit Sorey at all. Hearing all of this hurt even worse.

"I quit! Heldalf can do whatever he wants! I...I tried so hard...but Dezel's gone and it's all my fault! Rose nearly died because of me! What good did anything we ever did do?!"

Sorey thought about the other people he was unable to save. Sergei's brother, Boris. Cardinal Forton. The little girl Margaret who was the pariah of Lastonbell, and all because of something stupid that didn't need to be made a fuss over. All the other people Forton had turned to stone. Sorey cried and cried. His lungs burned, and gradually, his wailing died down to low whimpers. He cried until his tears ran dry, though he still tried to cry anyway. That was alright with Mikleo. Neither said a word afterward. They sat on the bed, completely silent other than the occasional sniff and hiccup. Sorey's lungs burned from all the crying he did, and he barely noticed.

"I'm sorry, Mikleo," Sorey whimpered once more. This time, he used an arm to wipe his tears away.

"For what? Letting yourself grieve?" Mikleo asked, his voice calm as a gently running river. "Mourning your fallen friend? Breaking down and releasing all of your sadness? Being human and imperfect?" A small hand stroke Sorey's shoulder this time. "That's not something you should apologize for. It's okay to feel hurt and break down. Even the Shepherd is human. You're not some infallible God who feels nothing."

Those simple words spoke volumes to Sorey. Yes, this was the real Mikleo. Not the cruel, disappointed Mikleo who abandoned him in his nightmare. Mikleo was right. What was wrong with being weak and wanting to have a good cry? Finally, Sorey flashed a smile in the seraph's direction. Mikleo could tell he was forcing it, as it wasn't the sweet, cheerful, sunny smile he'd show when he was happy or excited. Still, even a forced smile looked better on him than abject misery and pain.

"I know. But I can't give in like this. Not when the world needs saving."

Mikleo shrugged. "There's a difference between giving in and having a moment of weakness," He wrapped his arms around Sorey once more, pulling him close. Sorey smiled from his heart this time, relishing his friend's warmth and love. "You don't have to be strong all the time. You don't need to. You can cry as much as you want until you're ready to pick yourself up again. You know that, right?"

Ain't that the truth.

"Yeah. I know," He always had.

Breaking down and mourning wasn't giving in. Sorey knew that. It was still nighttime, and the stars still sparkled in the black Pendrago sky. Sorey smiled, content with the knowledge that Mikleo, and his other friends, would always be there for him and hold him until he was ready to stand again. He could be honest with them. Mikleo accepted him without hesitation. He was sure everyone else would, too. Not the hateful versions of them in his nightmare. He sure was lucky to have everyone by his side. They would hold him and put him back on his feet when they needed him. After all, Dezel gave his life for Glenwood's future. Sorey couldn't let his death be rendered moot.

For now, having a moment to himself and Mikleo was good enough. He did pray that Dezel was in a better place, and happy in Heaven.


End file.
